Behind My Silence

“Toby’s just sent me a birthday greeting!” The woman in her twilight years before me looked so happy. She even showed me a WhatsApp message on her phone: “Happy birthday, Mama Wina. Love, Tobias.”

I smiled faintly. I don’t have the heart to tell her …

-***-

“Do you know what I want?”

“I’m sorry?” Ugh. That was my habit of talking to myself, even in English. No wonder, the tall, wavy-haired, and fair-skinned guy looked at me in confusion. I smiled awkwardly as I entered the teachers’ room.

“Sorry,” I apologized. I dropped my maroon backpack on one of the empty desks. “I thought no one was here yet.”

He gave me a friendly smile. Smiling back at him, I extended my hand. “My name’s Rania.”

“Toby.” The guy took my hand in his strong but warm grip. Since then, Toby and I had started chatting and exchanging stories. We did so between our class schedules. Eventually, we started hanging out outside work. Dining, singing at karaoke lounges, and going on holidays together.

Toby also introduced me to his circle of friends, and I introduced him to mine. Most of his friends were women, while my friends were more varied.

To me, Toby was like a big brother I’d always wanted (I have an older sister.) He was kind, sympathetic, and sometimes, a bit protective. For example, he’d gotten upset once when I forgot to text him that I’d returned home safely after getting a cab by myself late at night. At the time, there were reports of women being raped in taxis in Jakarta. Mama said I must be lucky to have a male friend like Toby, especially in adulthood. Since I introduced him to my family, Mama has loved him even though she knows that Toby and I would never think about dating each other.

Toby also wasn’t happy about how close I was to Max, a Russian guy I once dated. The problem was that Max – a freelance photographer – had asked me several times to join him for photo hunting sessions in the wilderness; out of town and overseas. JUST THE TWO OF US. We were only dating for two months.

“No, Rania. I don’t trust him. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. I fear that he’s up to no good with you!” Toby said. Thankfully I listened to him, especially after having learned that Max had been dating several other women while courting me. Mama, who had learned of Toby’s protective nature, trusted me with him more than with other men.

So what had strained our friendship so severely that it fell apart for good?

-***-

It was the Covid-19 pandemic in 2020. I still remember when we all had to stay home for practically 24 hours a day. You’d only go out when you really needed to, and even then you had to wear a mask. I started cooking on my own at my rented room, although the food didn’t always taste good. Those were the moments I missed Toby and his cooking. Back when he used to live in Jakarta, Toby had often invited me over to his apartment to taste the recipes he’d experimented in the kitchen.

Sometimes, while working remotely on my online classes, I used to chat with Toby and my other friends via video-chat. Back then, Mama told me not to go home as my older sister and younger brother had caught Covid.

Toby seemed normal, so I didn’t see the signs at first. We were talking with Lucinda, Toby’s Dutch friend. We’d talk about what was going on in our respective cities: me in Jakarta, Toby in Sydney, and Lucinda in Amsterdam.

As we headed toward 2021, Toby suddenly switched. He said he knew a group of people who questioned the safety of the vaccines. Not long after that, he started becoming more serious, angrier, and more paranoid. I learned he’d just lost his job again. So many people in the world had gotten sacked at that time.

“Rania, don’t let them make you get the second vaccine.”

“I can’t, Toby. If I don’t get vaccinated the second time, they’ll fire me! What, have you got another job for me?”

I never thought what I’d said would offend him. I started hating how Toby was telling me what to do and dictating as if I was a little girl, too stupid to think for myself. Even Lucinda, who had known him longer than I did, asked me worriedly: “Rania, what’s gotten to him? How did he turn up this way? He used to have more empathy.”

I had reached my wits’ end when Toby started posting content on misogynistic propaganda. According to him, working women were useless. (Had he forgotten who helped him when he lived in Jakarta? His working women friends, including me!)

In Rockefeller’s view, feminism was just the government’s propaganda to receive more tax money. And, even if that had been the case, Toby refused to understand that many women had to work because they’d been abandoned by their husbands or because they needed financial independence to avoid mistreatment from men.

Capitalism had always benefited men more, while women’s work, especially caring for families and communities, went unappreciated and often unpaid.

Long story short, I yelled at Toby through WhatsApp when he told me I was just “the same as everybody else, REFUSING THE TRUTH.” I told him that he didn’t know everything before blocking him on WhatsApp. In retaliation, he blocked me on Facebook. Lucinda wasn’t happy with how we turned out.

-***-

“Rania … “

“Yeah, Ma?”

“I know, you’re not on good terms with Toby.” That afternoon, I could only look down, sitting with my back to Mama in my room. My eyelids felt heavy, and I was breathing hard. “I don’t know, and I think I don’t have to know why, but I know you. You won’t give anyone this silent treatment, unless that person has hurt your feelings so deeply.”

Warm tears slid down my face. I closed my eyes tightly, holding back the agony when I felt Mama’s gentle grip on my shoulder.

“I don’t know what Toby said to hurt you like this, but I hope you two can work things out soon. Let’s have lunch, it’s on the table.”

Our friendship is over, Ma. I wanted to tell her, but she was already leaving my room. I vaguely remember the time Toby took both of us for dinner. Mama had asked Toby: “Okay, what’s the occasion?”

“I just wanna cheer you up,” Toby said with a sweet smile. “I know this is your first birthday since your husband passed away.”

Mama burst into tears before she got up to hug him tightly. I still remember the way she whispered to Toby:

“You’re so kind. Please call me Mama Wina from now on … “